My Personal Vice.

Today in one of my Communication classes my teacher asked us to think about our personal vices.

The things within us that keep us from having positive interactions with others.

Attributes to our personalities that can hold us back from becoming better people.

I started to think....

I personally thought this was really hard.

I mean how often do you sit and think about what you do to ruin relationships and cause havoc.

This is what I came up with myself..

1) I care too much what people think of me.

2) I wear my heart on my shoulder and am too honest.

3) I am more insecure than I thought.

4) I'm emotional.

5) I live for other people.

I think all of these things make my relationships positive and negative.

I think once people get to know me, they understand all of these attributes to my personality, and know I just care so much about people and their well being that I kind of smother people.

1) I care too much what people think of me.

I wish so much I could be one of those people that didn't care what others thought of her, but I'm not. I don't care in the sense of my clothing style or if people think I am good looking, but I care about if people think I am a good person. I care about this A LOT.

I try to live my life day to day by exuding positivity and sometimes I think I can be too much.

Say the word, "sorry."

I usually don't like when people say " I'm sorry" all the time because most of the time I don't think people mean it and they say it to get out of certain things or to smooth things over.

I also think most the time people say it because it's just what you're suppose to say.

I noticed I say "sorry" like the plague when I feel I have done something wrong.

That feeling will haunt me until I know for sure its resolved. 

I do this though truly because I'm sorry and I want the people I am saying it to, to know how deeply sorry I am. This "sorry" is coming from deep inside of my heart and I want you to know that.

Also when I say I'm sorry to someone I always need to explain myself.

I have the kind of mind that I NEED someone to know where I'm coming from.

I need people to know exactly why I feel the way I feel.

Too much? I'm sure.

2) I wear my heart on my shoulder and am too honest.

This is something that I have been complimented on before but I think this gets me into a lot of trouble most of the time.

I am not a person who keeps her feelings to herself.

Maybe that's the Interpersonal Comm major in me, or the fact  my parents always told me to never be afraid to express to people how I feel.

Most of the time I'm sure I share things with people that I don't need too, but I don't know any other way.

It's kind of like that saying " what you see is what you get." Except its more like " what you hear is what you get."

Now, don't take this the wrong way.

I NEVER, EVER say things or show feelings of hate towards people, at least I try not too.

I don't want to ever hurt someone's feelings.

I guess what I'm trying to share is that if I like you, you're going to know. If I don't, I'll try not to show it, but because I can't hide my feelings well, you might know. This is where I really need to work on myself.

Also my honesty.

This can be a major deal breaker.

At the end of the day I just want you to know how I feel about you, in the most positive of ways.

I think people deserve to know that.

3) I am more insecure than I thought.

It amazes me sometimes when I tell people I have insecurities and they don't believe me.

They say things like, " but you're so pretty..." or "you're so funny..." I have had the comments... " but everyone loves you" or " boys always like you."

First off, thank you for the people who do say these things to me :) It really makes me feel warm inside.

The truth is, I have insecurities like every other people on the planet.

What is weird to me, is the older I get the worse I find these feelings get.

Maybe it's because like my number one problem, the older I get I care more what people think.

At the end of the day I just want to be the best person I can and I want the people around me to feel that I  care about them.

Like every girl on the planet, I get insecure about the way my body looks. I get insecure about my acne that decided to show itself the older I got ( what the hell hormones ). I get insecure about if people think I'm funny or if people think I am a fun enough personality to want to hang around.

4) I'm emotional.

Lord. I don't even need to say more about it.

A lot of things easily make me cry.

I wouldn't say it's a "cry baby" kind of way, and it's definitely not an "unstable" kind of cry.

I just have so many emotion's inside of me all the time.

Like I'm listening to a Bon Iver song right now and I can't even tell you the emotions running through me right now. It's a body high.

Also, when I say emotional, its not just sadness its mostly happiness.

I probably cry more about happiness than any other thing.

I am totally that chick who cries during movies, commercials, stories, music.

Yeah, I bet that just scared a lot of people away.

5) I live for other people.

The older I get I think this one really hits home to me.

I think most of my life I have lived for other people and not always did what I wanted.

I always want people to be happy, so I think I give things up for people in order for them to feel this way.

I still think this is important, but other people's happiness kind of surpasses my own.

I think this is what I need to work most on.

I want to feel independent.

I want to feel that I can do things without people holding my hands.

I think I live in the "comfortable" state of mind most the time and I would like to get out of that rut.

The feeling of uneasiness you get from stepping outside of your comfort zone is pretty terrifying to me, but at the same time it's what I live for.

I want that feeling more than people understand.

***********

It amazes me that being 24 years old I don't know enough about myself.
I am such an over analyzer and my brain never stops thinking which makes me:
- uncomfortable being alone.
- uncomfortable in silence.
- uncomfortable in new places
These are all things that I am working on about myself.
I can't wait to see the beautiful change that will be made within myself now that I am opening myself up to these new possibilities.
I want to be the best person I can be for myself for once, but not just for other people.

** You should look deep into yourself and what your vices are and what you can do to change them. It's a very powerful feeling **

LOVE.
XOXO.